Saturday 6 June 2020

Lunar Latifundia

Huge tracts of land . . .
As retirement . . . dribbliness, senility and death thunders towards me, there is a little more pressure to "put my affairs in order". All kinds of long forgotten assets are surfacing in my "mind" if not so easily in concrete actuality. My pal P in Boston picked up on my obituary of [monumental installation creator] Christo to mention that she had a piece of the true cloth from The Gates C&JC's mighty extravaganza in Central Park.  It's not even enough to blow your nose on, but is nevertheless imbued with a p'arrrful magick. "The say" that if you gathered all the pieces of the True Cross into a single place there would be enough timber to build a small village. That sharing whooshed me down the rabbit hole of time to remember the Christmas when two of my students pitched in to buy me a present. It only took me three attempts to locate the correct bag in the heaps of papers "archives" containing my Deeds to part of the moon.

The power of junk mail to elicit a response is directly proportional to the number of items in the envelope. My acquisition of 1 acre of the Moon was documented with a lot of paperwork
  1. Proclamation declaring the foundation of the Republic of Luna
  2. The Deed (see below)
  3. A map showing the location of my 4/10ths of a hectare (ditto)
    • Tourist information for the region
  4. Information about location including a link to an Atlas 
    • A shill for the atlas on CD - a snip at $30!
  5. A gift card from Lilian and Dave
  6. Declaration of Lunar Citizenship vested in me
  7. Information about the Kennedy Project
  8. Bumph from The Lunar Registry
  9. Invitation to send [more] money the the Lunar Republic
  10. Aspirational manifesto about The Lunar Settlement Initiative 
  11. A page of very small print in which the assignor witnesseth and indemnifies the lien on the property of the assignee their associates heirs and sublessors
  12. A Lunar Flag decal for my hovercar.
The thought is The Deed:
Please, show me where Parcel 214 of Tract 1 is located:
0.4 ha or 100m x 40m is enough for a lot of solar panels. There are about 9 billion acres on the moon's surface, so more or less one for everyone in the audience. But you want to look sharp because some rapacious capitalists will be buy-and-hoarding this finite asset.
The thought being the deed, like, I have a mind to buy up other holdings in Tract 1, to consolidate my patrimony. Raids across the border and a few engineered atrocities, and I will march into Tracts 2 and 3. Within a few years, I will have toppled the Republic's rule of law in wide swaths of territory around the Mare Orientale. Lord Bob of Moon shall I be: The Great Influencer, Mighty Homeboy Warrior, Zapper of Mages, Assassin of Creeds. I will rule my empire from my capacious sofa. Moobies shall be the name of my followers; chips will they eat, all the days of their lives; six-packs they will have; swig-chanting they will cry "I have his Moobs I have his Moobs I have his Moobs"
I'll let you know when we're having the housewarming. As ambient temperature during the lunar day reaches 125°C it will be more like a housebroiling. I like my piece of up-there home; so thanks to Lilian & Dave who were big-hearted back then and went on to even bigger things when they flew the nest.

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