Thursday 14 April 2016


Were we talking about the filum Unbreakable back in 2014? We were! Did we have a tribute to the unbustable woman behind the unbreakable man? We did!  Are we going to have a mind-crumpling non-sequitur? We are!

You know that I've been bigging myself up as a food-engineer, although this doesn't usually mean more than reading, and making ironic comments about, the table of contents of such food-products [not the same thing as food] as cake - pizza - irish salmonsausage - potato chips - sheep mix [mmmm so good].  I'm not the only one in the business of looking at what goes into food and failing to wax lyrical about it.  You get the drift from the title of this youtube clip "YOU WILL NEVER EAT THIS ICE CREAM AGAIN, SICKENING RESULTS!" The commentary is quite as SHOUTY as the title implies. and it is far too long for the actual information it contains; but the fundamental elements of the investigation is a scientific experiment looking at the different physical properties of different brands of ice-cream. You might think that the main difference would be whether the product is mostly "milk and cream" N=2 or "modified milk ingredients" N=2, but you'd be wrong. The key thing is that the cheapo brand doesn't melt even after 12 hours on a counter-top in a US kitchen [that would be 20oC [phew what a scorcher].  That's pretty ominous,:what is your poor duodenum going to do with such a robust material?

My assessment of the investigation diverges when the 4 bowls are left out on the counter for 10 days. Mr Eastcoastman heaps further scorn on the unmeltable ice-cream because it has now acquired a rich coating of fungus. But I'm much more concerned about the 'quality' products which after ten days at 20oC don't seem capable of supporting life. Can't be doing me much good either, huh?  Despite being a champion eater of the stuff in graduate school, I gave up on ice-cream about a year ago not because I read the label, but because it made me slightly uncomfortable in the hours afterwards. Doctor, doctor, am I lactose intolerant? Should I put almond milk in my porridge? Can I afford it?

Here's Mr Eastcoastman having a puck at Kraft Singles, a "cheese based" product. He compares the bright orange wubbly squares with real cheese on the basis of whether he can set fire to it with a lighter.  If it doesn't burn, it must be poison, the argument seems to go.  Well Mr E, have you tried burning an apple recently? or spinach?  As a positive control, let's think of things that readily burn but are not usually considered food: newspaper, twigs, my cotton underpants, camel dung . . .

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