The (h)ears have it

Last time I wrote about hearing aids, they were called deaf-aids and I was quite cross. The, yet more retro, ear-trumpet [R] is what passes for great gag gift for that old person in your life on Etsy. As I said last time, hearing loss is no great gag: it's not about the loss but how you deal with it. IF you no longer go to the pub (or wedding receptions, or soirées, or birthday parties) because you won't follow the chatter or [you believe] your friends and relations will tire of your wha'? your please repeat and your pardon? THEN that's a hearing problem. Hearing loss is also associated with the 3 Ds: depression, dementia, death.

Until my late 40s, I'd been fine without glasses. It's just that my arms weren't long enough to get the print of the book in focus . . . by which extent the font, though crisp, was too small to see.The Beloved made an appointment with 'her' optician. I tell ya, when the opto slotted +1.0 lenses into the test rig it was >!kaCHING!< like seeing The Lord. I R older now 20+ years on, my glasses are up to +3.0 and stabilizing so it's time to move onto the next sensory modality. I'm a bloke, so of course my hearing is fine: in the same way a little light incontinence is fine, high cholesterol is fine, 2x [but not 10x!!] the safe levels of radon is fine, a little iodine¹³¹ is fizzy fine.

The Beloved, like most women of the caring generation, is less complacent about things that you can remediate. And she may have been getting narked at my failure to acknowledge her dulcet requests from downstairs while I'm in the shower. On Wednesday two weeks ago, we both went by [her] appointment to the audiologist at Hidden Hearing in Carlow. It was interesting and informative and we've both come away with a "within the normal range" base-line audiogram. With the over-sharing that is characteristic of The Blob, here's mine:

The normal range is getting most of your frequencies hearable at less than 20 dB. As we age, it is the high frequencies that degrade earliest and mostest. Kids (some) can hear bats echolocating at >9KHz adults not so much. If all your frequencies are greater than 60 dB then seek professional help! You won't have to go far, anyone who can generate an audiogram like mine, is probably a competent professional in the field. On dit que normal conversation takes place between 40 and 60 dB. The grey shaded area is known [technical term] as the speech banana. One of the points of interest is that sounds which issue from human lips reach the ear at different frequencies. Older people are less likely to hear (high frequency) voiceless fricatives like math, mass, paff. My left ear is kinda crappy in the 3 kHz range where t and k is heard. The graph is generated by my response [or not] to pure sounds at the shown frequencies . . . at different energy = dB levels. We might get a slightly different result if I took the test on a different day or before lunch but this audiogram will act as a baseline . . . "come back in 12 or 18 months or if you sense a change" said the audiologist. 

That was not the UpSell I was half expecting after the family's experience with Lennox nine years ago. "my" audiologist explained that, with hearing aids, it takes two to tango: they supply the tech; the client supplies the engagement. It's all at nothing unless the client buys in, uses the device and sees hears an obvious benefit. The company will suffer reputational damage if they sell their system too early: they sold me these things, I've mislaid them twice, I was fine without them at Marie's wedding, blooming boondoggle if you ask me.

Get your hearing tested, you won't regret it. I said GET YOUR HEARING TESTED!!

Notes to Old Chaps. You will have noticed that your pinnae [the flappy bit on the side of your head] have been sprouting peculiar tufts and stray tentacles of hair. This novelty is a natural consequence of changes in concentration in your endocrine system. It's yer 'ormones, mate. Not just the testosterone, but also the various growth factors which have tirelessly maintained your arms at the same length these last many decades . . . and ensured a characteristic pattern naked ape of fur all over. Some areas are tuftier than others since puberty. Your audiologist will have a peek in your ear . . . they will also (because they can) over-share the view on a screen. Let me tell you, whatever kind of lawn you're maintaining outside, it's a jungle in there!